Seven Seconds After Totality

Adjectives. They’re lead track shoes on Usain Bolt. A ball gag in Joni Mitchell’s mouth. Adjectives are a shortcut through a briar patch when the out-of-the-way trail runs along the Grand Canyon. Too, adjectives are just f*cking words. Totality. Read accounts. Hear talk. Adjective orgy! Same words regurgitated to describe a shortstop making a diving …

Apparently, the Only Solution to a Bad Guy With a Gun is a Good Guy With a Gun Who Can Shoot Victims Back To Life

A good guy with a gun is the only solution to a bad guy with a gun. Mostly because, in essence, it just sounds and feels so true, especially when you first hear it and don’t give it any further thought, ever. However, a good guy with a gun isn't going to stop a bad …

My Wife Ordered A Step Stool and I Am No Longer Needed

My wife Barb’s new dreamboat was left under the backdoor awning last Tuesday afternoon. Had I known a mail-order Rubbermaid replacement husband was inside the box, I woulda’ shooed the delivery fella’ off the breezeway with my sand wedge before he could waltz away like he didn’t just deliver my spousal irrelevance. Sorry, I’m normally …

Here the Wassails Come A-Wassailing

It’s the holiday season. Be warned. We’re coming to your neighborhood. We’re coming to your street. We’re coming to your door. Then we’re knocking politely. Pray answer. Behold as heaps of waves of sonic blasts of feral Yuletide jollies incinerate your holiday blahs as though a thermonuclear merriment-bomb detonated a mere four feet from your …

I’m A Jackhammer Operator And I’m Quiet Quitting

Hell no I ain’t gonna’ help Dale carry a bag of concrete. Not my job. I’m a jackhammer operator. I jackhammer shit, point blank period. If All Hands On Deck Construction LLC is worried about workman’s compensation paying for Dale’s third back surgery, maybe they should hire a concrete hauler specialist or better yet, a …

I Am The Special Master And I Have Been Summoned

The Special Master has slumbered since the dawn of time. Stars and galaxies by the trillions have been birthed and burnt-out. Empires and dynasties aplenty have flourished and atrophied. The Pittsburgh Pirates have won five World Series titles but have completely sucked for decades since, with no end in sight. All the while, The Special …

Mister Rogers Wants You Kids To Get Off His Goddamn Lawn

Hey, you kids, get off my goddamn lawn. Stay the hell off if you know what's good for you. No, wait. I got a better idea. Tear-up my begonias with your stupid Razor scooters some more. Go ahead. Climb the fence and piss on the glazed ball in my Baroque garden. Be my guest. Hey, …

You’re Damn Right I Plunked That Hotdog Eddy Thomkins In A Coach-Pitch Pee Wee Game

My name is Darren Mitchell. You may know me as “Coach Darren.” I’m a 42 year-old recently divorced but devoted father of two wonderful children, William and Bree. You’ve probably seen these rascals at the playground, at Happy Harry’s Ice Cream on Saturday evenings (actually, every other Saturday evening), or maybe they share a classroom …

A FUTURE LETTER FROM PAST GENERATIONS EXPLAINING WHY, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, CLIMATE CHANGE ACTION JUST WASN’T A THING. SORRY.

Howdy-do survivors, You may be wondering why we past generations didn’t take decisive action to curb climate change and rescue your generation from a hellscape of miserable misery back when there was still time. Fair enough. We tried our darndest, but doing stuff simply wasn’t an option. Let me be perfectly clear why not. A …

My Ecologically Collapsing Fairy Garden Is Whimsical AF

Behold! A grandfatherly gnome is shooing a bluebird off his pointy cap while he tumbles backwards onto his plump rump. Nearby, a bushy haired lady-gnome is whistling a traditional hinterland shanty and sweeping beneath a crooked Gnome Sweet Gnome sign hanging beside an arched wooden door. Their names are Herbert and Matilda Bucklestein. They’ve been …